I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.


As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.


Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.


[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?


*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*


When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]


I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That’s not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.


Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.


He had salt and pepper hair. There was also a hint of oregano. And bay leaves. His entire head was a bottle of Italian seasoning.