I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan