Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human