I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
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One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I am HOWLING at this
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.