I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.