I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts