I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The Book. The Movie.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
me hooking up with my ex
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The two types of wives
hmmmmmm
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret