Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Why soy sad?

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…