Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

🤣

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

I think the cat got the dog high.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.