I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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guilty
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
uh oh
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
best first i’ve ever seen
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.