Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

I know karate and tons of other words.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Mike is short for Micycle

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.