I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
me irl
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.