I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends