Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.