I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”