Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

✨☝️✨

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road