Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.