I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?