Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.