Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Wise advice

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess