I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
A recipe for laughter
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.