Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.