Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Peace was never an option

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Tough love is true love

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

your elf on the shelf was delicious

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.