Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

I have obtained a hat

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

Most fashion shows these days…

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

This was the best day of my life

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.