I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
No. He’s not coming out to play
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”