Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

How can I say no to this ?

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”