I have a type: disappointing
You Might Also Like
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Knock Knock
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.