Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

I hope this email punches you square in the face

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Wise advice

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.