I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Oh no
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses