I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
God making man in his image was the original selfie