Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

LMAO.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

#StillHurts

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son