I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college