Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Let’s Go

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.