Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

me and who

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first