I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
😭😭
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”