I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.