I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.