I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.



Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.


Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!


Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?


There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”



Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.


Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here


Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.


Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*


[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]