I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You Might Also Like
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear