Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.