I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
True statement👍😏😁
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
is this a warning or an offer?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
iPhone X
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Had an epiphany today.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?