“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
livin la vida broka
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
she has a point
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.