I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Love this one 😂🧟
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I ain’t wearing no wire
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion