I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?