I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers