I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.