I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Tremendous stuff
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Thursday Thought.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
me when i see my girls butt
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.