I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
A drum solo but on your face.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder