I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
X-tra spooky blend
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*