Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight