Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you