Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Lmao

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

The glory of fall.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.