I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste