I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
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Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Terribly Tuesday.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii