Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

The median voter

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.