Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

new record!

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?