I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
the official breakfast of 2021
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself