I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.