Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

yes… yes…

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

dude it’s called proctologist

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen