Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them