I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Camel dough
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
For anyone who needs this today
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..