I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Oh my god
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar