I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
You Might Also Like
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
plant them where lol
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
what’s more important?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.