I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
good work, everybody
