Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

what are they serving at kfc then???

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around