Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*
Well played Peanut…!!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
BARISTA: can i get a name?
ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany
BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order
ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”