@edsbs

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

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@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@IamEnidColeslaw

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

@meganamram

I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

@WildeThingy

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

@mrjohndarby

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

@PhuckinCody

[starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”