I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.