Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.