Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.