Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

I have obtained a hat

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee