Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

why isn’t he texting back

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.