Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.