Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.