I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.