I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
You Might Also Like
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.