I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.