I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Everyone’s family
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.