I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
good let them take over I have had enough
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing